Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Excerpt from "AM SO AS"

An excerpt from AM SO AS - A Meaningless Sequence of Arbitrary Symbols (BaNGST) 


Then, old Godfrey "the Great" Velikovsky, the world's greatest 82-year old Game Designer, read out the blurb on the back cover of `Mansfield Jurassic Park' to me: 

"At dinner, when somebody uses the wrong fork, a massive rift is torn in the space-time continuum, and all these dinosaurs come pouring in. Several guests are devoured by dinosaurs - but eventually, the guests manage to seal up the rift, by intentionally making a faux pas with the Earl Grey tea (someone takes milk in it: huuuge gaffe). All the rampaging dinosaurs spontaneously explode, drenching the Mansfield Park manor in dinosaur guts. It seems `All's Well That Ends Well', until - at the Celebration Brunch, somebody uses the wrong spoon... The rift is once again torn asunder - and in pour a shedload of murderous, malfunctioning Yul Brynner robots from `Westworld'... The story ends on a nail-biting cliffhanger, as one sweet, eligible young spinster proposes to one of the deadly `Terminator' 1970's-style Yul-Brynner-robots, mistaking it for a suitor." 

...I didn't know what to say to that. 

So, I just said "Wow". 

Then, Godfrey The Great showed me a whole bunch more of them: 

The Way of All Flesh-Eating Virus 
The Hills Have I, Claudius 
Alligator Quiet on the Western Front 
Peter and the Wolf Creek 
Uncle Tom's Cabin Fever 
Hamlet The Right One In 
The Cannibals of Narnia 
Twelfth Night of the Living Dead 

"I think maybe I like Alligator Quiet On The Western Front best..." He said. 

He took it down off the shelf, and He read out the back cover of that too, even though I didn't want him to: 

"Get this-!" He said, reading aloud: " - `For some unknown reason, a giant deadly alligator prowls the trenches of the Western Front, in 1914. The over-sized alligator narrates this touching and poignant memoir, including `Letters Home To Mother' (in his quaint old German hometown of Strudelwenken) in which, he recounts the squalid and often dangerous conditions in the trenches, including a severe bout of flatulence (which he flippantly refers to as `trench gas') after accidentally swallowing a Big Willie tank whole' ". 

And so then, He put it back up on the shelf, and He smiled, and He nodded at me. 

I didn't know what to say. 

"So you wanna see my balls?" he asked, deadly earnest. 

"No", I replied, taken aback. 

I didn't want to see his balls. What the hell? 

I soon realized - he meant something else altogether, not what I was thinking at all. 

He nodded, frowning, serious. "I'll show you my balls." he said, as if the matter was already decided. 

And then, he pulled out just the top edge of one book in the bookcase, a book titled "The Quantum Elevator". 

And suddenly, the entire bookcase - and, the whole section of floor we were standing on - rotated right around - right into the wall. 

And, as some kind of a `Secret Hidden Room' behind the bookcase flashed by us both, I glimpsed that - it was a room full of people all working in a Laundromat, I think... but I can't be too sure. And, as we spun past them, they all stopped working - and seemed surprised, even shocked to see us, but then - we were suddenly back in the Living Room of The Great Velikovsky's mansion. 

It was like, it never happened. 

Except for one thing: 

We stepped back off the bookcase-platform, and we moved over to a set of elevator-doors in the wall - that I swear, weren't there before. 

"This wasn't here before," said The Great Velikovsky, as if he'd just read my mind - and, He pointed to the lift-doors with one hand, as he pressed the button to call the Lift, with the other hand. 

"I didn't think so," I said, slightly confused. 

"Exactly. Because, that bookcase - is a Quantum Bookcase" He said, and pointed back at the bookcase. 

"Right" I said, as if I knew what the hell that meant. 

DING-! The lift had arrived - and the lift doors opened. 


Excerpt from: 

AM SO AS - A Meaningless Sequence of Arbitrary Symbols (BaNGST)